fireworks inside and out

i think i hate holidays...i always liked the 4th of july but i think it now goes on my shit list...i read an article that said its the biggest beer drinking holiday in the united states so its kinda disappointing i have to give it the finger...

but disappointment is really what causes me to write this blog tonight as we near midnight on the 4th of july...all week ive been sorta stressed over what was going to go down today...in the restaurant...and to cope i just went with the idea that it was all going to blow up...but i dont think i ever expected such a finale...the short of it leaving out the details is lunch went great and dinner went to hell...no recovery was made...

so it brings me to my next contemplative thought ive visited many a times before...im not a lost person, i know what i want to do, i often only lack the means to achieve it...number one in my life is traveling, or at least living in a place foreign to me...to support this i must work but ive always said id never work a job once i was no longer enjoying it...tonights like to tonight i dont enjoy and i wonder if im breaking my own rule by sticking with it...

over the past week a million ideas have circulated inside my head surrounding what i really want to do for the next 12 months while jason deploys...i know what im doing starting next fall and im thoroughly pysched about it but it cannot be accomplished without a little money in the bank...which is why im trying to be a "professional"...although there are many days i enjoy what im doing i think im more into the idea of it than the realities of it...i could write another blog there but ill stop...

the bottom line is this...i turned down the position im currently fulfilling twice and opted to try it the 3rd but i think im over it...i like to make things happen, thats why i took on the responsibility but i can still accomplish that not being the point man...beyond the desire to step down is also the desire to step away yet the financial security of which i didnt want to grow accustomed to will make this difficult...ideally i see myself traveling around the united states for the next 12 months before i travel the world for the following 12...but i doubt ill be able to save that 10/15k for that to happen.

so i suppose id like to pose a question, hear thoughts, entertain ideas, invite encouragement in any direction and so i write my blog.